Hi, I'm Chris.

With that in mind, those of you who have known me over the years would remember my days of emotional instability, going in and out of depression, insecurity and so on. Those who dont know me too well will read this as being typical worthless self-praise, nonetheless- read on anyway.

I guess around 12 months ago I began moving forwards... the biggest and probably best thing is the fact that I've stopped giving a shit. Not in a bad way, moreso in being content with myself, who I am and what others think/dont think of me.

A recent comment from a close friend of mine just last week really made me realise just how far I've come...
" Chris, what I like about you is that you accept people on face value- you dont judge them by how they look, what they do, what their background is...you judge them on their character...you dont give a shit about the trivial stuff...you'll chat to them like their anyone else"

Alot of people will probably take it the wrong way, but there was a point in my life (not too long ago) in which I was a little whinging pretentious bitch - knowing that among people my age, particularly gay people, this is still rampant...Its pretty satisfying that I've moved on from this.

I also dont like being 19. This year I'll no longer be a teenager, I'll be a fully fledged adult in my 20s...lifes really too short. If you dont like something, or how somethings going- fix it. Dont put up with it and hope it'll "get better". I've maybe got 5 more years of being young, having a decent income which I can spend on fun, shiny things...before 50% of that income is forked out on a mortgage, so really trivial shit isnt worth wasting the prime of your life on.

Same applies for relationships, I, as with most people, learn as we go from these complex, stupid things we like to get ourselves into. First proper relationship I had I was too insecure, had issues, health problems, not to mention an immature 17yo approach to it and that led to troubles which consequently ended it, second relationship lasted around a year and only recently ended. I learnt from the first but there were other problems- we had little in common and he had issues which I thought I could overlook, but couldnt, and vice versa for him. Why put up with a relationship your not happy in at any age. Single life is good, if you dont feel "complete" being single- you need to look at yourself, not others.

Well there you have it. I'm finally beginning to feel content in myself, who I am and where I'm going. It took me long enough... but I finally dont feel like I need other people to motivate me or prop me up whenever I'm down- another mistake I've learnt from.

The thing that comforts me the most is, everything I aspired to do/be by the time I was 20, I seem to have accomplished without realising it. Not to mention that from being on useless antidepressants on and off since I was 14, the time that I'm finally off them is the time when I'm finally happy.

Those of you who havent had self worth issues in the past wont be able to understand this, but after nearly 20 years I see myself as Chris, and after years of worrying and often being something I'm not...now that I'm not giving a shit and being me, people (usually) like me for who I am- who wouldnt otherwise. I have a place. Its a pretty good one too at that.